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Went for a massage yesterday, and was very clear (for once, hehe) that there was to be NO hanky panky.

All I wanted was a brutal massage.

Girl walks in, first thing she does – take my shirt off and comment on my “awesome cuts” around the waist, lats etc.

Are you a model?

Do you go to the gym? Are you a vegetarian? All the usual questions poured forth.

I told her I follow a brutal fitness regime like in the Army.

Are you an Armyman, she asked (much like Brooks Kubik did all those years ago).

I laughed.

I told her I drink tons of beer, smoke, pay zero or less attention to my diet.

She was shaking her head in awe. This girl does hard massage all day – yet is NOT in the shape she should be. By her own admission she “eats too much” so she has energy for those massages.

She then asked me what I eat. I told her.

Her eyes widened in surprise.

You eat that much??? Drink, smoke – where does it all go.

I pointed to my nether regions clad in an irritating diaper sort of thing they have everyone wear there, special service or not.

Maybe there, I quipped.

She giggled. I won’t elaborate on what happened later. Hehe.

Then it was questions of where Im from.

I speak English obviously . Some Chinese. Pretty good Hindi and Haryanvi. Bengali too. And a smattering of Punjabi.

So, where the fuck am I from?

Interestingly enought, from the same State she is, far away from this city Im in now. That’s when I knew I made the right choice by going for the massage.

Been a while since I spoke Bengali, I laughed. No, I don’t eat “mach er zhol ar bhat” (fish curry and rice). Which she couldn’t believe.

I’m a chameleon, I explained to this giggly 26 year old.

And that was that. Her eyes bulged when I told her In Bengali.

You dont look like one!!!

Which I don’t, but hey, I never grew up there.  I’m probably more of what they call a “Jat” when Im in India, the half Chinese when in China, Habib in the Middle East, and a good old boy back home in TX. (I probably prefer the first and last – they’re more similar to each other than you’d think).

Hey. What can I say. Being “el Chameleon” par Jason Bourne minus the spy skills is an innate talent I always had. . .

All throughout I was remembering idiotic comments made about my fitness my whole life.

Dad – “you exercise too much! Your belly is hanging over your pants (when he was himself hardly in the best of shape)”. “you’ll die by 30 if you keep drinking beer!”

Ricky, a friend of mine who claimed “you will get fat eventually!”( Fast forward to now, he’s fat, diabetic and jealous – and me … Well…).

My ex claiming Id never be able to stay fit without a hill nearby.

Point is two fold – or three.

One, where there is a will there’s always a way.

Two, discipline as opposed to motivation and how you “feel” is key.

The grind.

Three, simple bodyweight exercises are all you need, along with a warrior mentality (important) and lifestyle (it follows) to stay in the best shape of your life and get better daily.

Pushups, pull-ups, squats, stretching, hiking, running, uphill climbs.

Yes, all that’s needed as opposed to calories counting, carb intake restrictions and all the focus pocus the so called experts spout.

Anyway.

Maybe the “movie star” will visit that chick again. I’ve got a feeling I will. Hehe.

I did sort of try and explain sexual transmutation to her, why I didn’t want my “didi “(my little (not *wink*) brother) wanked, slobbed on, so called “body to body massage” (erotic) and so forth. But I don’t think she understood. Perhaps she didn’t want to. Given the way she was grabbing my ass all through the rub down, I have a feeling she’d happily do it all and more for free anyway. Hehe.

I did also learn some hilarious (to me, at least) and interesting terms to refer to ones nether parts. Girls from the mountains of Siliguri, a place I’ve always wanted to visit in India and likely will at some point. Maybe I need to “bone up”, no pun on my Bengali. Hehe.

For now, I’ll stick with her pummelling the ever living hell out of me with her hands and feet. Yes, I came home and had another pushup workout after that too!

And that’s that.

Best

Rahul Mookerjee

PS – The 0 Excuses Fitness system will get you into the best shape of your life if you have the balls to just DO it.